Tuesday, August 30, 2011

New Beginnings...

So this may turn out to be a not-so-funny post. Sors.

My oldest offspring starts kindergarten tomorrow.  To be honest, I'm just glad I've kept another human alive this long. What an accomplishment!! Especially bc my goldfish didn't make it through the night.

I have no idea how the morning is going to go. Anyone who knows my child, knows that my child is the mini version of yours truly. He does NOT do ANYTHIIIINNNNGGGG that he does NOT want to do. Period. There is no maybe I'll try it....oh no. He is just not gonna do it. And he is painfully shy...Oh so shy! These 2 traits really work against him sometimes. I know the feeling!

He will either leap into the classroom, all smiles, or he will have a miserable day. There is no in between.

60% of me thinks he will be okay. He says he's excited. What he actually DOES may be a different story...

BUt it's not just a new beginning for him...it is for this mama too. Mama Bear is super emotional. Like, SUPER. I have cried and cried, for hours on end. My husband thinks I'm stupid. He says I am a train wreck & a hot mess. He doesn't get it. Men are stupid.

Why am I emotional?? I am truly so happy for him, bc I think he will great, he will thrive, and will make friends that will be lifelong.

But I am letting go of my first baby. The baby that changed my whole world. When I sat on the bathroom floor that night, the last thing on my mind was my baby growing up and going to kindergarten. It was more like holy shit I need to get my life together right this second, and give my kid the world.

And now I am giving my kid to the world.

I am giving my kid to world he does not know. The people in that school, they don't know him. They don't love him. They don't know how to handle his stubborness, they don't know what he thinks is funny, they don't know that his favorite color is brown, and that he wants to be a "worker" when he grows up, and that he loves his sister so much, he knows all of her allergies.

They don't know that this little boy, who always forgets 17, and goes from 16 to 18 every single time (17 doesn't even exist to him), is the little boy responsible for my life, and my husbands. They don't know he's the reason we went from nothing to a whole lotta something in the span of 6 years... This little guy, he's a pretty cool dude, and if not for him, who knows where we'd be.

It hurts my heart SO BAD to think about another kid being mean to him, or making fun of him...he'll be all alone. Oh it hurts. The last time I felt actual pain in my heart was in high school when I couldn't make someone love me. Yeah. It's like THAT.

All I can do is hope, that's it's all been enough. I hope he can find it somewhere in that big, but not always apparent, heart of his to make a friend. He's a charmer, he'll win 'em over.

So tomorrow, I will watch him get on a school bus. I will let go of his hand, and give him a little push. And if that doesn't work, I will scoop him up and take him myself. And I will hand him over to a teacher, that I don't know, but I can already tell will love him. And then I will cry. I will come home, and I will cry. I will cry until I can't cry anymore. Why? Bc I need him to be loved. I need to feel that he is loved. Not everyone will always love him, but SOMEONE will. Someone's going to be his friend, there is a girl he knows in his class, and she loves him (no really, they were bf & gf once) and she will help others to see how great he is. And that teacher? Well he's about to meet one of the funniest little guys he'll ever know!

I want include a poem that was shared with me, from a teacher to a parent:

The First Day

I gave you a little wink and smile
As you entered my room today.
For I know how hard it is to leave
and know your child must stay.
You've been with him for five years now
and have been a loving guide,
but now, alas, the time has come
to leave him at my side.
Just know that as you drive away
and tears down your cheeks may flow
I'll ove him as I would my own
and help him learn and grow.
For as a teacher, I too know
how quickly the years do pass
for not too long ago it was my turn
to take my child to class.
So please put your mind at ease
and cry those tears no more
for I will love him and take him in
when you leave him at my door.

And here is another one that pretty much sums it all up...well its wordy so it's not really summing anything up, but it was shared with me and makes me cry and if I'm cry, you have to cry bc that's MNAN rules! :

World, I bequeath to you today one little girl in a crispy dress.. with two blue eyes...and a happy laugh that ripples all day long, and a batch of light blonde hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs. I Trust You'll Treat Her Well.

She's slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning and skipping off down the street to her first day at school. And never again will she be completely mine...

Prim and proud, she'll wave a young and independent hand this morning, and say goodbye and walk with little-lady steps to the nearby schoolhouse...

Gone will be the chattering little girl who lived only for play, and gone will be the delightful little child who roamed the yard like a proud princess without a care in the world.

Now, she will learn to stand in lines...and wait by the alphabet for her name to be called...

She will learn to tune her little-girl ears for the sound of school bells, and for deadlines...

She will learn to giggle and gossip... and to look at the ceiling in a disinterested way when the little boy across the aisle sticks out his tongue.

Now she will learn to be jealous...and now she will learn how it is to feel hurt inside...and now she will learn how not to cry. No longer will she have time to sit on the front porch steps on a summer day and watch while an ant scurries across a crack in the sidewalk...

Or will she have time to pop out of bed with the sunrise and kiss her dad good morning. Now she will worry about important things...like grades...and what dresses to wear...and whose best friend is whose. Now she will worry about the little boy who pulls her hair at recess time... and staying after school...and which little girls like which little boys...And the magic of books and knowledge will soon take the place of the magic of her blocks and dolls.

And she'll find her new heroes. For five full years I've been her sage and playmate...her pal and coach...her parent and friend. Now, she'll learn to share her worship and adoration with her teachers (which is only right).

No longer will her parents be the smartest, and greatest in the world. Today, when the first school bell rings, she'll learn how it is to be a member of the group...with all its privileges, and, its disadvantages, too.

She'll learn in time that proper young ladies don't laugh out loud...or keep frogs in pickle jars in bedrooms...or watch ants scurry across the cracks in a summer sidewalk...

Today, she'll begin to learn for the first time that all who smile at her are not her friends. That "the group" can be a demanding mistress... and I'll stand on the porch and watch her start out on the long, long journey to becoming a woman.

So WORLD, I BEQUEATH TO YOU TODAY ONE LITTLE GIRL in a crispy dress, with two blue eyes, a happy laugh that ripples all day long, and a batch of light blonde hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs.



  1. I hope your baby had a wonderful first day. That poem is so fantastic. Every year when it is time for my baby to go to school I get a sad feeling. Like, how in the world does time go so quickly. : (

    Kindergarten is a magical place. I hope he loves it!

  2. Wow Sarah! Thanks for the tears! It's been 5 years since my oldest had his "first day" and you just brought back EVERY breath-taking painful memory of that very day. I cried like a baby, seriously. However, it also brought back all the proud, happy feelings too, so for that I'm grateful! And now, Im just FREAKING OUT because Lyric will have his "first day" before too long and with that, sending my youngest and last out to the world .. I fear will come a whole new pain in my heart!

    So thanks for the tears, the smiles and the memories! :)